best of av geeks 3

I’ll be in Austin again Monday, so a quick post to tide you regular readers over. (Wouldn’t want you to think I was dead or something after a four-day no-posting streak.)
Went to see Best of AV Geeks 3 at the MAC Friday night. It’s a highly amusing traveling roadshow of six “mental hygiene” films, of the sort shown to bored schoolkids in the ’50s and ’60s. The films all had important messages to communicate, but sadly, the roadshow may not be coming your way anytime soon. So, as a service to my readers, I summarize the important moral lessons I learned from each film:
More Dates for Kay (1952): Girls, if you want to get dates, make sandwiches for boys. You can choose the boys and the type of sandwich at random. Have as many dates as possible so you won’t be tempted to see the same boy too many times and have sexual intercourse with him.
Teeth (1970): Dental care can be hip! Kids, if you’re in one of these new rock and roll bands, your future will be determined by the brushing patterns you make on your incisors each morning — after breakfast, not before. Girls who take care of their teeth are hot. (There was also something here about former Pres. William McKinley, but I couldn’t quite make it out.)
The Lunatic (1972): Try not to get V.D. Guys with beards and slightly shaggy hair have V.D., so you should avoid having sex with them. (Hey, wait a minute.) Men in turtlenecks are to be avoided. If you get V.D. and are ever on camera, look terribly depressed. All the people who work at the local clinic are either sweaty bald men with freakishly large love handles or nice black men with glorious Ben Wallace-style afros.
Purely Coincidental (an ’80s industrial-safety film): If there are metal shards mixed in with your dog’s food, he could die. Don’t drop spark plugs into barrels of ground meat. If you urinate on your hands, you should wash them, not run them through a vat of baby food. If your dog has died, the only appropriate thing to do is drink heavily, then shoot guns at smaller animals.
Parent To Child About Sex (1967): Masturbation is a perfectly natural thing. If a four-year-old asks how babies come out of their mommies, make the having-sex gesture with your hands and use the word “vagina” a lot. If the child doesn’t understand, she’ll probably just lose interest and move on to some other, more enjoyable topic. Sex education comes best from curt 60-year-old men who look like extras from Oliver Stone’s JFK.
The Huntsman (1972): If a bunch of Canadian hippies get your cowboy boots wet after stealing two golf balls from you, you have license to push their car into a river. But you’ll probably feel guilty afterward.
Not that you needed to be told that.