russ lemmon is stupid, part 1

As much as I hate to rag on my former coworkers, how stupid do you have to be as a reporter to believe that a broadcast radio station is going to start charging listeners to hear the morning drive-time show? When it’s supposed to debut on April 1? (The original version of this story had a note from the reporter at the top saying something to the effect of, “Since it’s April 1, I feel it’s necessary to tell you that this is a real story, not an April Fool’s joke.” Here’s the radio station’s gleeful mea culpa.

txcn appearance, juliet in best american sports writing

I’ll be on TXCN again tonight, but I’d advise you to stay away from what turned out to be my poorest performance to date. I do best with topics I can half-joke about, and it’s hard to start popping out the funnies when your topic is child-molesting teachers.
Of course, a measily TXCN appearance is nothing compared to my friend Juliet, who found out today she’ll be included in next year’s Best American Sports Writing. Brava!

maryland wins, mouton a hero

Congrats to Byron Mouton and the Maryland Terrapins for bringing home the title. Byron had only four points and four rebounds, but anyone who saw the game could tell he was the firebrand leading the troops into battle, getting everyone charged up, playing strong defense and making the clutch hustle play when the team needed someone to.
Quoth the CBS announcers last night: “Mouton is making all the plays that don’t show up on the stat sheet.” Quoth Dick Vitale: “Byron Mouton was an unsung hero for the Terps, contributing all of the intangibles needed to win a title.”
He’s a bit of a stretch for the NBA right now, but he’s got good size and the quickness to be a two-guard at the next level — I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw him there in a few years after some time in Europe. And the stadium announcer should be shot for pronouncing our hometown as “RAY-knee” — it’s pronounced “rain,” people.

kelly’s m&m letter

More evidence that M&M is hiding something. (For background, see here, here, here, and here.)
Kelly, who was long ago outed as a skeptic when it comes to my tireless M&M research, decided to take matters into her own hands by sending an email to the M&M junta itself:
The M&Ms(R) Team
800 High Street
Hackettstown, NJ 07840
Kelly Lecker
RE: Your M&Ms Reference # is 1309379
I have a question for M&Ms

lessons from a weekend in rayne

Lessons learned from a weekend in south Louisiana:
– It’s a shame UConn’s women’s team had to win the title last night, if only because it meant Oklahoma cutie/All-American Stacey Dales had to lose in the finals. Saw her interviewed after the semifinal win over Duke, and she seemed smart, together, charming, and by-the-way cute.
There was something in her voice that got me, that vaguely schoolmarmish lilt, that sense that she’s a higher order of being stuck explaining simple concepts to a world of second-graders. That’s when I realized the origins of that accent — she’s Canadian! Bestill my heart!
– While we’re talking basketball, go Terps! Not least because Maryland’s starting small forward and emotional leader, Byron Mouton, is from my hometown of Rayne and is by all accounts a good guy. (Not to mention the fact he has his own web page.)
Byron and I are also probably relatives of some sort. My grandmother Mazie‘s maiden name is Mouton. And he grew up a few blocks from me. Then again, he’s black and I’m white, so if our families do have some sort of historical relationship, it probably wasn’t a good one, if you know what I mean.
– Boiled crawfish. Boiled crawfish is good.
– If I make a list of 12 things I’d like to get done over a long weekend, two of them might get done. Partially.
– No matter how boring the drive from Dallas to Shreveport to Rayne is — and it’s pretty damned boring — that’s no reason to try to “liven the drive up” by taking the alternate route via Houston to return. First of all, the “excitement” of the Houston route is basically limited to the Sam Houston statue on I-45. Second, it’s not worth the six separate traffic jams I suffered through last night and the extra two hours it took me to get home.
– Chocolate bunnies are nice and all, but I get a little weirded out by big chocolate crosses. Mazie gave me one for Easter. I know Jesus is the reason for the season, etc., but it strikes me as wrong to cross the faith/commercialism boundary quite so flagrantly. It’s like seeing Santa chilling in the Nativity manger.