Author: jbenton

Here’s my story from today’s paper, on how schools are preparing kids who failed the third-grade TAKS test. (For the first time, kids need to pass it this year to go on to fourth grade.)

James Brown has a daughter named Yamma Brown Lumar. Yamma Brown Lumar is the crabwalk.com Name of the Day.

If I could ban one phrase from the American lexicon, it would be: “But I support the troops.” It’s shorthand for “I don’t support this war, but I also don’t want a bunch of Americans to die.” Well, who in this country does want a bunch of Americans to die? (I’m excluding members of any al-Qaeda sleeper cells here.) It’s silly that people feel they have to say it.
The whole reason for the phrase is the idea that in Vietnam, the general public somehow didn’t support the troops — that opposition to that war wasn’t against policies in Washington, but somehow against actual soldiers. The tale this always comes back to involves soldiers getting spit on when they returned home from the front lines.
Too bad it’s not even true.

Erica, my ex-coworker in Toledo, has expressed anger that I did not recognize the important role her grandfather had in Raising Arizona. He played the chairman of the parole board — a memorable role.
CHAIRMAN: Well, you done served your twenty munce, and seeing as you never use live ammo, we got no choice but to return you to society.
SECOND MAN: These doors goan swing wide.
HI: I didn’t want to hurt anyone, sir.
SECOND MAN: Hi, we respect that.
CHAIRMAN: But you’re just hurtin’ yourself with this rambunctious behavior.
HI: I know that, sir.
CHAIRMAN: Okay then.

I wish I could read Spanish. That way I could read the signs of the picketers outside my window. (They’re upset about my employer’s coverage of Casita Maria and Rev. Justin Lucio, a priest accused of various sexual and financial improprieties. Other stories here, here, and here.)

Trivia bowl season has started up again, which means I’ll be defending my title from last year. My favorite question from last night: “Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen lost what in 1984?” His arm, of course. His left arm (although I got no bonus points for that telling detail). I had to picture the “Pour Some Sugar On Me” video to figure out the whole left/right thing.
Marybeth Reed’s dream: “I was at a Deaf Leppard [sic] concert with my friend Jenn and everybody was missing an arm but the drummer.”

Everybody’s blogging: Saints Watch Weblog, run by the sports staff at the New Orleans Times-Picayune. This will be of interest to the four fellow Saints fans who read crabwalk.com.

If it’s Oscar season, it must be time for Fametracker to publish their annual transcript of the meetings in the Hollywood Star Chamber, where five clones of Karl Malden choose the year’s winners.
1: Next up: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
4: They made a movie about the Twin Towers already? It’s too soon!
3: Apparently, the Orcs were behind the whole thing.
4: Damn you, Orcs!
2: Let’s bomb Orcistan!
1: You idiots, this movie is about a totally different pair of towers.
4: They made a movie called The Two Towers that wasn’t about the World Trade Center? It’s too soon!
2: Let’s bomb Orcistan anyway! Who knows what weapons they may or may not be developing?!
4: Damn you, Orcs! And I also reserve animus for half-orcs.
A larger than normal number of sex jokes this year, but what would you expect from five Karl Maldens?

Until last night, I would have sworn that Raising Arizona starred River Phoenix. A simple geographic misunderstanding.
Strangely, I never thought My Own Private Idaho starred Boise De Legge.

When speaking of the media, it’s become fashionable to roll your eyes, allude bitterly to the cable chat-fests or some embarrassing reality-TV show, and shrug the subject away. Because, my dear, the media nowadays are so sensational, so polarizing, so stupid and unsophisticated, they’re not even worth discussing. But they’re destroying us.
It’s weird so many intelligent people can continue to believe this…