Month: November 2004

Who knew Yassir Arafat was such a Wes Anderson fan?

Eat me: “Ever the eccentric, [former “Dallas” star Larry] Hagman has stipulated that upon his death, he wants his body to be ground in a wood chipper and scattered in a field, where wheat is to be harvested for a cake to be eaten by his friends and family one year later. Everyone in the cast said that when that time comes, they’d happily accept a slice of Larry.”
In other news, I’ll be appearing on TXCN throughout the evening.

Voice mail message of the day (so far): “You are not only stupid, you are racist and you are classist…Call me back, unless you’re too stupid to find the dial on the telephone.”
She was just as charming when we talked later.

My p. 1 package in today’s paper — complete with two global exclusives:
– “On this year’s third-grade TAKS reading test, an unlikely school finished No. 1 in the state. Wilmer Elementary

Here’s my story from today’s paper: “The Wilmer-Hutchins school board is supposed to meet Monday night. That is, if it’s allowed to.” Featuring the possible return to office of indicted superintendent Charles Matthews!
Watch Sunday’s paper — I should have a big package of stories on the front page you may find interesting.
Also, happy birthday to me. Today, I am 29. That makes me old.

Two People-Who-Make-Me-Very-Angry updates:
– For more on the ludicrous “Arafat’s sick and a bad guy — ergo, he must be a big gay with AIDS!” idiocies of David Frum, check out this odious discussion thread from some loony Freepers. “Does Arafat have AIDS? Hmmmmmm…… Can you get AIDS from a camel?” “Whether he does or not let’s spread the rumor anyway.” “It is rumored that he and Bill Clinton exchanged bodily fluids during a meeting at the White House.” “The reason Arafat was shipped from Egypt (where he was a small time businessman) to the jordanian occupied west bank was because he was caught flagrente delecto in a homosexual act. He was given the choice: either be killed for impurity, or go be the paymaster for a terrorist gang.” Assholes.
– This site’s most loathed accused gang rapist, Gregory Haidl, caused a head-on traffic collision after he’d been drinking. Of course, Haidl’s lawyers claim he hadn’t been drinking at all — the “false positive” on his sobriety test was caused by…eating Indian food! Yeah, chicken tikka masala always makes me swerve into oncoming traffic.
Haidl’s lawyers are now claiming their asshole client — a 19-year-old who triumphantly videotaped himself anally raping an unconscious girl with a Snapple bottle while slamming her head into a pool table — is “depressed” and on suicide watch — and that therefore he shouldn’t be sent to jail for violating the terms of his parole. Awww, poor little Gwegy Haidwl. Can’t stand the thought of being on the receiving end of anal play, Snapple or no Snapple. Asshole.

Giant squid are kicking our ass.
Screwed-up Chinese-character tattoos. “Large Domesticated Live Stock.”
Download a free CD here. Spoon, My Morning Jacket, Gilberto Gil, and more.
Ricky Jay on the radio.
Panda-Z and Hamgear.

Hey, kids! A world leader, hated by many, is dying! If you’re a “journalist” with the ethics of a lawn gnome, what should you do?
I know! Why don’t you spread baseless, malicious rumors that the world leader actually is just one of them gays who has AIDS! Because you know if a 75-year-old man is dropping body weight and having mental problems, it must be AIDS! Certainly couldn’t be anything else — most 75-year-old men are running marathons, except for those damned poofter Palestinians with their low T-cell counts!
Of course, there’s precisely zero evidence for this. (Even if David Frum does trot out a 15-year-old memoir from the ex-head of the Romanian gestapo — because you know Ceaucescu’s right-hand men were all completely trustworthy! Highlights from the top two Amazon reviews: “Pathetically sensationalist and self-serving!” “Ridiculous…this book is utterly unbelievable and unconvincing!”)
The main way Frum can tell Arafat has AIDS? He’s being treated in France. Say no more! Wink wink, nudge nudge!
But the absolute piece de resistance is that, despite there being no evidence whatsoever for his idiotic claims, Frum manages to imply Big Media is purposefully holding this AIDS scoop. Presumably because they’re a bunch of Arafat-suck-up liberals.
Asshole.

I hope the Williamsburg hipsters won’t go after my friends in Toledo and Columbus.

Well, that’s the last time I try to predict an election. I really thought Michael Badnarik would pull it out. Okay, I didn’t, but a Badnarik landslide ended up being roughly as accurate as my own projection.
Here are some of my past predictions in key races:
– 1864 presidential race: I predicted the nation, in a time of war and great conflict, would reach back into its history and draft the one leader who could bind the nation’s wounds: Franklin Pierce, the New Hampshire legend. Only Franklin Pierce, I predicted America would feel, could unite us, not divide us: Reality: Lincoln reelected.
– 1967 NFL season: I predicted the New Orleans Saints, in their first season as an expansion team, would get high on crawfish etouffee and win the inaugural Super Bowl. Reality: The Green Bay Packers win.
– 1985 Oscar race: I predicted Chip McAllister‘s bravura performance as the black guy in the epic Weekend Pass would be enough to snag the Best Supporting Actor prize. Reality: That fucker Don Ameche.
– 2004 presidential race: I predicted Michael Badnarik to sweep through the South, find strength in the industrial Midwest, and do well enough in Hawaii to fuel a stunning electoral college victory. Reality: Optimus Prime wins, vows to end the Decepticon threat.
(Aside: When trying to pick a random ’80s actor for the Oscar item, I had no idea Chip McAllister somehow went on to win The Amazing Race 5, for which I understand he won the Best Screenplay (Adapted) Oscar.)